Orbus
by Kyooki no Tenshi
Summary: Aftereffects of the Revolution, seen by those left behind. Many spoilers.
1. Maeror Meror

Orbus

I. Maeror Meror  
  
  
  
  


I didn't know. 

I swear I didn't know, my love. I didn't have the information that would have told me what was coming. None of us did- we were all too dazzled by our own wants and promised rewards for victory to pay enough attention. If we'd only talked to each other- or looked beyond our own desires, or just listened to what you were saying… oh, my love, I ache for you so much… 

I know- I know that ignorance is no excuse for abandoning you to his plots, for helping him. I should have known, should have guessed what he planned to do to you. He didn't want you, my love, not the way I did, not for the same reasons. He wanted your beautiful heart for its power and purity. He wanted your soul only to use it for his own gain and his own revolution. I wanted it to shine. That's all. I swear to you, love, I swear I only wanted you to be happy under it all. I stopped caring about the revolution after I met you; more accurately, after you defeated me into loving you. I couldn't possibly want it less, by then. All I wanted was for you, your safety and happiness, somewhere where you could be adored as you deserved and doing what you wanted and loved. You shouldn't have had to fight any more, not after I first found you there in that murky church. You fought enough for five lives after that, and you died and were reborn. Once even by my worthless hand, for all I loathe myself for it now. 

Only a fool believes in friendship. I must be insane- by my own standards!- since I believe in love. 

Well, not believe. You beat the concept and then the emotion into my head, which must have been tedious for you. Patient too. Not for me, but patient. Beautiful fighter. Noble. Powerful. Too good for this world. Too good for her. Too good for me, of course. 

I am so sorry, my love. Sorry that I couldn't protect you, that I didn't understand what love was until it was too late to save you, sorry that I never resisted him. Sorry that I was never enough for you. Sorry that I was so weak. Will I see you when I die, I wonder? Or do those such as me go somewhere where we can no longer tarnish shining souls? I hope I'm allowed to see you even once more. Once more. Just one touch of your hair. 

If you never think of me again, my love, my precious valiant love, at least remember this? Remember that I truly never knew? 

I miss you so much. 


	2. Melior

Orbus

II. Melior  
  
  
  
  


You weren't miraculous. I hope you realize that. 

I admit that you were certainly remarkable. You DID rattle our preconceptions about things, didn't you? I always thought that Touga would never change, for instance. You would be dumbfounded to see him now, chaste and **polite**, of all the improbable things. 

I know what miracles are now- when the rare one does occur. People generally misinterpret them. Miracles aren't the gaudy things I thought them to be. There is always a reason for whatever flamboyant spectacle occurs in the right time and way to be called a "miracle." Miracles-- the real ones, at any rate—are things that shouldn't happen. And when they do regardless of natural laws, any explanation real or imaginary… then it is a miracle. Real miracles aren't often noticed, since they can be rationalized away by any number of completely plausible theories. That they are** not**, in fact, adherent to those theories is generally ignored in favor of maintaining equanimity of mind. 

I doubt anyone would have seen me becoming a religion professor during our high school days. A professor of French, perhaps, if a teacher at all, or of Literature- but religion? It is amazing how far we can go with the correct motivation. Desire to learn was never my strong point- that which is identified as desire was never my strong point. But excellence is a trademark of sorts for me. Religion. It challenges me the way few things today can. Have I found religion for myself? I don't know for certain. And would I share that fact if I had? 

Probably not. 

I think that my life satisfies me, now. I do not recall a time when I thought my life was NOT satisfactory, but in the clarity of hindisght I can identify parts that must not have been to my liking. 

I said I love you to her yesterday. 

And she said that she loved me as well. 

I think that perhaps that was a miracle. 

I hope that wherever you are... I hope for you. That is all. You deserve at least that.   



	3. Memento Mori

Orbus

III. Memento Mori  
  
  
  
  
  


In the kendo dojo, after hours, I ofttimes practice alone after the classes depart. Their smells and noisy bright chatter fades out of the wood's memory and flees the slashing of my bokken- or, on rare nights, my katana. 

Sometimes, only in late, smudged light, I hear residual memories of the door sliding open, of the bokken slithering out of the racks as you caught it and challenged me with your very demeanor. I can hear your voice condemning me, bringing your blinding personal light into the private dusk of my realm. I liked Shinohara's light better; she was warm and amber-radiant. You were sharper, cooler after you took up with the Rose Bride. I think of Shinohara too much lately. I had thought… of sending her a gift, perhaps another hair ornament of a higher caliber than that original. 

A pair of smiles, I remember. You grinning like a sun spirit and that chilling Mona Lisa smile behind you wherever you went. Exquisite. Even if I did hate it at the time. 

I tried to carve a statuette of you once, in a slow summer. After five blocks of wood that became shapeless, conceptual representations of physicality or honor, one after another, I gave up. The wood I burned. My woodcarving is improving, I think, after so many years without touching a knife in that way. My sketching skills are still as rudimentary as ever, but I find I don't need them when I carve. I enjoy it- it aids relaxation, keeping the hands and eyes occupied while allowing the mind to roam. 

I will no longer say her name, that demon in woman-form. I will not. When I joined my forces with Touga it was no longer for her, but because… because he asked me to. And I owed him. Do not ask me for what I was in his debt. I will not tell you, nor anyone. He knows, and that is more than I prefer. People, on the whole, no longer impact my life. I find myself more satisfied with this situation. 

The glory meant for Saionji Kyouichi. What a joke. 

I think of Shinohara too much.   



	4. Unice

Orbus

IV. Unice  
  
  
  
  
  


The other day, when I went to get my mail, I nearly had a heart attack when this heavy little thing fell out of the box. Fell right on my foot, too. I'd swear it was made all of metal with velvet covering, cause there's no way any normal jewelry boxes can get THAT heavy. Did you send it? It's beautiful, I wear it all the time. I think about you every time I look at it- which is a lot, since it seems to catch light every time I move my hand. Maybe I'll put it on a necklace instead- so my gift from my very best friend can always be close to my heart. How do you like the sound of that? Isn't that so romantic?

Ne, where are you? Your letters stopped, and you don't call me at all now. I wish you'd call. Why don't you want to talk to me anymore? It's lonely for a poor young girl, all isolated in the world without her very very best friend to guide and support her! Oh, speaking of friends, did I tell you what Kimiko said the other day? You'd like Kimiko- have I said that before?- she's a lot of fun. Really cheerful- genki genki genki all day long. She makes me feel better all the time. Not that I don't usually feel cheery or anything, you know that. I mean, really, it's ME! What do I have to be not cheery about? I swear, sometimes you can be so silly. (Oh, you know I'm kidding!) 

I'm letting my hair grow out- I think I need a change from my usual style. Change is good for you. It looks kinda weird, actually, but maybe that's just cause I'm not used to it. Might get bangs, too. Think they'd suit me? They always looked pretty good on you, so I thought I'd give them a try. (No, my cowlick doesn't count as bangs. And shut up about my forehead. Nyeah.) I'm playing on a volleyball team now. I'm too short, so I'm a setter. I like it. We're not very good, but I like it. What sports are you playing now? 

And Tetsuya. Well... I called him. He hasn't called back yet. It's only been a few days, though. I don't know what I'm gonna say if he does call. When he does call. Positive thinking! But... I guess I just miss him. I miss YOU, too. Call me!

I'm thinking about being a vet. Wouldn't that be great? Working with animals all day and helping them get better? 'Course, my grades have to go up a little before I could do it, but... still!

Um, that's about it, really. Just normal me, nothing special. But I have to go. I have practice, and I think I'm gonna be late already. Augh! Anyway, I miss you and I hope you'll call me soon and I send hugs and I have to go right now bye!


End file.
